Saturday, April 29, 2017

“Teetotaller” in Uniform – Hilarious Story from my Navy Days


Delightful Memories of my Halcyon Navy Days
A Spoof

The TEETOTALLER ALCOHOLIC  a Rum Tale by Vikram Karve

Long back  more than 39 years ago  sometime in the late 1970 we were young officers just introduced to the pleasures of alcohol during our specialisation course.

We youngsters thoroughly enjoyed our newly found freedom by topping up to the hilt  – drinking copiously – in the Wardroom Bar every evening (in the Navy – Wardroom means Officers Mess)

Though this “Stone Frigate was supposed to be a Technical Training Establishment  the atmosphere was more OG than Gunnery School.

And – to make matters worse  we were located in a desolate remote place in the back of beyond.

Apart from playing sports  the only recreation for us bachelors was drinking alcohol. 

Also  in order to sleep soundly in the bedbug infested cabins  you had to imbibe a reasonable amount of alcohol every evening.

So  every evening  after a vigorous round of games – we would assemble in the wardroom bar  and top-up – till the last sitting for dinner was announced.

In order to curb our excesses  the PMC set a daily limit of 3 Large Pegs of Rum for each individual officer. 

The PMC (President Mess Committee) was the seniormost member of the Wardroom. 

In this “Stone Frigate” – the PMC happened to be the Executive Officer (XO) – also known as the Base Commander – the secondmost senior officer in the Naval Base 

(The seniormost officer – the Captain (aka Commanding Officer) was not a member of the Wardroom as per Naval Tradition) 

For reasons best known to him  the PMC set a daily limit of 3 Large Pegs of Rum for each individual officer.  

Well  during those days  we drank only large pegs – and 3 large pegs total about 180 ml of hard liquor – less than a quarter of a bottle of rum  which has almost 13 large pegs.

Now  for tough young Naval Officers like us in their early 20’s  only 3 large pegs of rum were just too little  especially for an ardent drinker like me.

So  I devised a simple strategy. 

I caught hold of my course-mate “X” – who was a strict teetotaller.

Of course – like most “Teetotallers in Uniform  my friend “X” was quite a money-minded “Businessmen in Uniform too. 

You will be surprised – but – “X” was the only strict teetotaller in our course.

Nowadays – you find a large number of “Teetotallers in Uniform”. 

Anyway – let me get back to the story of “X”. 

I saw “X” sitting in the bar with a soft drink – so – I walked over to him and made him a proposition: 

“If you let me have your Rum Quota  I will pay your entire Wine Bill  including whatever Soft Drinks and Snacks you have.”

“You will pay my entire Bar Bill...?” an unbelieveing “X” asked me.

“Yes – I will pay your entire Bar Bill. You see your daily 3 peg rum quota is going waste  since you are a teetotaller. I am a heavy drinker – and the rum quotaof 3 large pegs of rum is too little for me – and – I need at least 4/5 pegs every day. So – if you give me your daily rum quota – I will pay your entire bar bill every month....” I said to “X”

Being a “Businessman in Uniform – “X” readily agreed – since I would be paying for his soft-drinks and snacks too. 

In fact  I am sure that in his heart he jumped with joy. 

So  we instructed the bar steward accordingly. 

The Bar SOP (Standard Operating Procedure) was as follows. 

Every evening  the steward would put my first 3 large pegs of rum in X’s bar-book.

Whatever subsequent pegs I drank beyond the first 3 pegs  they would be entered in my bar-book. 

Yes  those days – in Navy wardrooms – we had bar-books which we had to sign at the end of the evening  or by next morning.

So  every evening  as I sat down to drink  my first 3 large pegs of rum would be written in X’s bar-book.

In case I drank a 4th or 5th or 6th peg of rum  the steward would write them in my own bar-book.

I seldom drank more than 6 large pegs  except on rare occasions like parties  but on such occasions of unrestricted drinking  booze was on the house  and we were not subject to any drinking quota.

So  thanks to my friend “X”  every evening  I would enjoy a generous amount of booze.

This raised my spirits – so my morale was high  and I was quite happy.

“X” was delighted with this arrangement. 

“X” sat down with us in the evenings  downing soft-drink after soft-drink  eating plenty of small eats – knowing that I was paying for all his soft-drinks and snacks too. 

Since he was a “Businessman in Uniform – while drinking soft-drinks and eating snacks  I am sure “X” kept calculating the cost of his soft-drinks and snakcks in his mind – estimating how much money he was saving – since I was paying his entire Bar Bill

I am sure that in his mind he was wondering what a sucker I was.

A couple of months passed happily.

One morning  the PMC suddenly entered the training hall  and he thundered: 

“Who the bloody hell is Sub Lieutenant “X”...?” 

The PMC shouted X’s name  and he looked around the hall.

“X” meekly stood up.

The PMC strode up to “X”.

The PMC brandished X’s bar-book menacingly.

Then  the PMC shouted at “X”: 

“What the hell is wrong with you...? Do you want to become a bloody alcoholic...? You have been religiously drinking 3 large pegs of rum every day for the last two months. I am stopping your booze. No more drinking. You better sober up.”

And then  as suddenly as he had come  the PMC stormed out of the hall  rendering a hapless “X” dumbstruck and speechless.

Poor “X” – his reputation as a “drinker” spread pretty fast. 

At parties  when “X” had his usual glass of cola in his hand  the PMC would suspect that X’s soft drink was was spiked with rum. 

So “X” started drinking lime juice  but even then  the PMC was sure it was spiked with Gin or Vodka. 

The PMC kept telling the Training Officer that he suspected that “X” was still drinking heavily.

Accordingly  the Training Officer kept warning “X” to stop drinking.

Meanwhile  I had found other sources to replenish my “thirst” for alcohol  like picking up a few rum bottles from married officers.

The biggest joke was that the PMC thought that “X” was taking rum bottles from married officers  and – “X” was warned repeatedly by the Training Officer to abstain from drinking.

Soon X’s reputation as an alcoholic was growing.

“X” feared that his appraisal report (OLQ Marks) would be ruined with a remark about his alcohol dependence – and he would be branded as an alcoholic throughout his Naval Career.

So  one day  “X” told the Training Officer the whole story. 

The Training Officer told the PMC the story.

And soon  I found myself being marched up to the PMC.

The PMC had two bar-books in his hand – X’s Bar-Book and My Bar-Book. 

He was turning page after page.

The PMC asked me: 

“Is it true...? You seem to drinking 4 to 5 large pegs of Rum every evening. Sometimes even 6 pegs of Rum.”

“Yes, Sir...” I meekly said to the PMC. 

I was trembling inside  expecting to be logged  or be severely admonished by the PMC – who was also the XO. 

I surely anticipated that my booze was going to be stopped  so I was thinking in my mind what new arrangements I needed to make to obtain an adequate supply of rum to satisfy my “thirst” for booze  maybe my friends in the Army or Air Force could help me out.

The PMC held up the bar-book of “X” and he asked me: 

“And what about this officer  your friend “X”  is he telling the truth that he is a Teetotaller  or  is he also a bloody Alcoholic like you...?” 

“Sir  he is an Alcoholic Teetotaller...” I blurted out.

“What...? Alcoholic Teetotaller...? Bloody Hell...!!! This is the first time I am hearing this crazy oxymoron...” the PMC remarked – looking at me curiously.

“Sir  I meant that “X” is a Teetotaller Alcoholic...” I mumbled sheepishly.

Teetotaller Alcoholic...” the PMC repeated, looking confused.

And – suddenly – the PMC burst out laughing  and he said to me: 

“Come over to my house for a drink this evening. You seem to be an interesting chap.”

Maybe  I reminded him of his youthful days. 

Yes  I did indeed remind him of his wild younger days  that is what he told me after a few drinks – and  I could see that the PMC really enjoyed his liquor.

In the evening  sitting on the lawns of the PMC’s bungalow  as we imbibed peg after peg of the best Rum  the PMC  an old sea-dog  he was overcome by the Auld Lang Syne Complex – so he harked back to his halcyon navy days  and he excitedly told me about his glorious drinking escapades – and we kept drinking and talking till the wee hours of the morning.

Cheers  That calls for a drink...! 

I hope my good friend “Teetotaller Alcoholic” reads this memoir – and has a good laugh.

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

1. This yarn is a fictional spoof, satire, pure fiction, just for fun and humor, no offence is meant to anyone, so take it with a pinch of salt and have a laugh.
2. All Stories in this Blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)

How to Write a Book Review – The Importance of Living


I will not TELL you how to write a Book Review – I will SHOW you how to do it – by writing a Book Review myself and posting it on my Blog for you to read. 

One advantage of writing Book Reviews is that makes you read books properly.

Reading is the greatest of all joys – and – it is reading which helped me develop an interest in writing and blogging. 

Dear Friend – let me tell you about one of my favourite books in my bookcase – a book that changed my life...

(A Happy and Carefree Philosophy of Life)
Book Review 

There is one book you will never find in my bookcase – you will always find it by my bedside near my pillow. 

At night, just before I go to sleep, I open this book to any random page, and read on till I drift off to blissful idyllic sleep.
The name of this book, which has had a profound defining effect on me, maybe even subconsciously shaped my philosophy of life, is:

The Importance of Living (written in 1937 by the Chinese philosopher Lin Yutang).

A WISDOM STORY – How to Read Books
But first – let me tell you a story  probably apocryphal  about a Scholar who had thoroughly studied the Bhagavad Gita for many years.

This renowned Scholar considered himself an expert – and – he traveled far and wide delivering discourses on the teachings of the Gita.

He was widely acknowledged as an authority on the subject.

The Scholar’s ultimate desire was to deliver a discourse on the Bhagavad Gita at Benares 
– which was the sanctum sanctorum of learning.

(Benares is also called Kashi and Varanasi)
So the Scholar went to Benares.

Impressed by the Scholar’s erudition and fame  the King of Benares invited the Scholar to deliver a discourse on the Bhagavad Gita in his court.

All the wise men of Benares assembled to hear the Scholar.

But just as the Scholar began to speak  the King interrupted the Scholar.

The King told the Scholar to read the Bhagavad Gita one more time in the evening and deliver his discourse the next day.

The Scholar was furious 
 but he had no choice but to comply with the King’s wishes.
As the Scholar read the Bhagavad Gita with full concentration in the evening, he realized some new meanings and he updated his speech accordingly.

Next day 
 the same thing happened – the moment the Scholar began to speak  the King interrupted him. 

The King told him the Scholar to read the Gita once more and then come the next day to give his lecture.

And again as the Scholar read the Gita he comprehended some new wisdom – something he hadn’t perceived before. 

So the Scholar incorporated his new findings  and – he proceeded to deliver his talk.
Once again  the same thing happened – the King interrupted him  and – the King told the Scholar to read the Gita once more before he gave his discourse. 

And again  the Scholar discovered some new wisdom in the Gita.

This cycle went on for days and days till the Scholar realized how ignorant he was 
 and  how much more there was to learn from the Bhagavad Gita.

Realizing that he had still to learn so much more from the Bhagavad Gita  the Scholar gave up the idea of delivering the discourse.

He decided to totally devote his entire efforts to the study of the Bhagavad Gita.

Day after day  the Scholar kept studying the Bhagavad Gita.
Many days passed.

Suddenly one morning  when the Scholar was deeply immersed in his study  the King went to the Scholar’s house.

The King sat before the Scholar with folded hands and requested the Scholar to enlighten him about the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita.
It is the same with any great book.

Every time you read it 
 something new emerges  and  you realize that you have so much more to learn from from the book.

This is what I experience with this book THE IMPORTANCE OF LIVING  every time I read the book – or just browse through it – I learn something new.
Now let me tell you a few salient aspects about The Importance of Living  my favourite book  a philosophical treatise that enriched my life  and  taught me the Art of Living.

Published: 1937 (New York, USA); Indian Edition: 1960 JAICO Mumbai
ISBN: 81-7224-829

I have read The Importance of Living innumerable times, again and again, with renewed pleasure.

And every time I read this book, I imbibe a special different philosophical flavor, and grasp new wisdom, which delves on all aspects of the art of living.

I have realized that there is more significance and value in Lin Yutang’s magnum opus than I am capable of appreciating.

So let me not be as presumptuous as to attempt to evaluate or critique this classic treatise.

I will just try to gently pilot you along in random vignettes to give you a flavor of this delightful philosophical gem.
Let’s open this delightful book to a few random pages, read some lines to give you glimpse into the wisdom on the art of living contained in this masterpiece.


In the section on Leisure and Friendship are these words:

“Only those who take leisurely what the people of the world are busy about can be busy about what the people of the world take leisurely”.

Reflect on this, let these words perambulate in your mind for some time. There is nothing that man enjoys more than leisure.

The highest value of time is when you are doing what you love – and you are doing what you want to do. 

During leisure you are free to choose what you want to do and enjoy doing.

Leisure enables you to realize the highest value of your time. 

Tell me – why do you work?

Is it for “Job Satisfaction  on the job...?

Or – is it to earn money on the job – so that you can enjoy satisfaction off the job...?

In short – you work to earn money which enables you to enhance the quality of your free time” (leisure).

In fact – most of us work for our leisure  because there is nothing we enjoy more than leisure.

Elaborating on a theory of leisure the book says:

“Time is useful because it is not being used. Leisure is like unoccupied floor space in a room…it is that unoccupied space which makes a room habitable, as it is our leisure hours which make our life endurable...” 
Those who are wise won’t be busy – and  those who are too busy can’t be wise.

Enunciating the distinction between Buddhism and Taoism:

“The Goal of the Buddhist is that he shall not want anything – while  the goal of the Taoist is that he shall not be wanted at all”.

Lin Yutang – the author  describes the tremendous advantages of obscurity  and – he deduces that  only he who is not wanted by the public can be a carefree individual.

It is true isn’t it – only he who is a carefree individual can be a happy human being...?

Anonymity gives you a freedom which fame cannot give you.

Lin Yutang deliberates delightfully on his philosophical view:
“Nothing matters to a man who says nothing matters”.

The book delves on our basic questions of life.

“How are we to live...? 

How shall we enjoy life – and  who can best enjoy life...?”


The feast of life is before us. 

The only question is what appetite we have to enjoy and relish this feast 
The appetite is vital – not the feast.

This delightful treatise gives us insights on how to develop, enhance and refine our appetites in order to enjoy various facets of living.

The capacity for true enjoyment comes from an inner richness in a man who loves the simple ways of life.

There is always plenty of life to enjoy for a man who is determined to enjoy it.   

You may find some of the author’s views a bit passé – here are a few of his sayings:

“mere relationship between man and woman is not sufficient; the relationship must result in babies, or it is incomplete” 

woman reaches her noblest status only as a mother, and that wife who by choice refuses to become a mother… loses a great part of her dignity…and stands in danger of becoming a plaything” 

“A natural man loves his children, but a cultured man loves his parents” 

“The art of attaining happiness consists in keeping your pleasures mild” 

It is against the will of God to eat delicate food hastily, to pass gorgeous views hurriedly, to express deep sentiments superficially, to pass a beautiful day steeped in food and drink, and to enjoy your wealth steeped in luxuries” 

Take it or leave it. 

But do think about it, reflect a bit, and you may detect a iota of authenticity in these nuggets.
The book has fourteen chapters, embellished with epigrams, teaching stories, ancient wisdom and wit, on various aspects of the importance and enjoyment of living and once you start reading it this book is indeed so engrossing that it is truly unputdownable.

The Importance of Loafing, The Enjoyment of the Home, Nature, Travel, Culture, The Arts of Thinking, Eating, Reading, Writing, Loving, Happiness – the range and variety of topics covered indeed make fascinating reading.

Reading is the Greatest of all Joys. 

Extolling the virtues and charm of reading, Lin Yutang says:

“The man who has not the habit of reading is imprisoned in his immediate world – the reader is always carried away into a world of thought and reflection”.

And – on writing: 

“...a writing is always better when it is one’s own  and  a woman is always lovelier when she is somebody else’s wife...”. 


“He who is afraid to use an ‘I’ in his writing will never make a good writer”.

“Anyone who reads a book with a sense of obligation does not understand the art of reading.

“In order to be thoroughly enjoyed  reading must be entirely spontaneous – you can leave the books that you don’t like alone  and let other people read them!”
The best way to read The Importance of Living is to open any page and browse whatever appeals to you, randomly, in an unstructured and haphazard manner.


Think of yourself as a traveler in the philosophical or spiritual domain.

The essence of travel is to have no destination. 

Good Traveler is one who does not know where he is going to...

A Perfect Traveler does not know where he came from.
A true traveller is always a vagabond – he travels to see nothing, to see nobody, with plenty of time and leisure, with the true motive to become lost and unknown.

Are you the ambitious competitive go-getter obsessed with an overpowering desire for achieving quick success – craving for power, wealth, fame, and the status and money-oriented aspects of life?

Do you value material possessions more than peace of mind?
Is external achievement more important than inner tranquility?
If your answer to any of the questions is “Yes” – then please don’t bother to read this book right now  as you may be too “busy” in your own competitive rat race of your own making.

And hence – you probably don’t have any time to “waste” on anything that does not give you something tangible in return – a solid material ROI (Return on Investment)  for investing your valuable time and effort reading this book.

But – please don’t forget to read The Importance of Living after you have burned out.

Yes – you will get plenty of time to read this book after you have had a heart attack or suffered a nervous breakdown. 

Once you are out of the rat race you will have plenty of time – perhaps  you will have the inclination to reflect, contemplate, and delve more deeply upon the more intangible philosophical aspects of life – and ruminate on how you could have obviated that stressful burn-out, agonizing heart attack or traumatic nervous breakdown.


Here is what Lin Yutang says: 

“Those who are wise won’t be busy  and those who are too busy cannot be wise.”
If you are happy here and now – wherever you are  in whatever state you are, and you are truly content with what you have  if you place living above thinking, and if you are interested in savoring the feast of life and its joys   then this witty philosophical treatise on the art of living in its entirety is the book for you.
The Importance of Living presents an uncomplicated approach to living life to its fullest in today’s rapidly changing, fast paced, competitive, ambition dominated, money and status oriented, commercialized world, enabling each one of us to enjoy inner peace and happiness.

Sometimes  it is a great pity to read a good book too early in life. 
The first impression is the one that counts.

Young people should be careful in their reading, as old people in eating their food. 

They should not eat too much. 

They should chew it well.

Like you should eat gourmet Food only when you are ready for it  you should read a good Book only when you are ready for it.

Mature wisdom cannot be appreciated until one becomes mature.
But the beauty of The Importance of Living is that it is a book for all ages.

Of 1937 vintage – The Importance of Living is an ancestor and precursor of modern self-help books  it is a delightful philosophical treatise  which advocates a humorous and vagabond attitude towards life and deals with a variety of topics encompassing the art of living.

Is such a happy and carefree philosophy of life relevant today?
Why don’t you give it a try and see for yourself.

Read this book slowly – unhurriedly  in a relaxed manner.

Do peruse this classic masterpiece thoroughly and absorb the witty wisdom.

From time to time, pause, reflect, try out, practice and incorporate whatever appeals to you in your daily life.

Ruminate  experiment  enjoy yourself  have a laugh  change your lifestyle  enhance your quality of life  elevate your plane of living  and maybe your entire way of life may change forever.

Dear Reader:

I commend this delightfully illuminating book.

Though enunciated with a touch of humor – the thoughts are profound.

Do get a copy of The Importance of Living and read it leisurely.

I am sure you will find a copy at your nearest bookstore or in your library.

And don’t forget to tell us how you liked it – and whether it changed your way of life for the better. 

I am sure you will find something in the book which will help you lead a better life.

All the Best. 

Wish you a Happy Life ahead. 

May you experience the importance of living  live life to the fullest  and enjoy the feast of life.

Copyright © Vikram Karve 
1. If you share this post, please give due credit to the author Vikram Karve
2. Please DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. Please DO NOT Cut/Copy/Paste this post
© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

1. This is based on my personal experience. It may or may not work for you. So please do due diligence before trying out this technique.
2. All stories in this blog are a work of fiction. Events, Places, Settings and Incidents narrated in the stories are a figment of my imagination. The characters do not exist and are purely imaginary. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright Notice:
No part of this Blog may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Blog Author Vikram Karve who holds the copyright.

Copyright © Vikram Karve (all rights reserved)